New York News: Part One

Félix Fénéon's Novels In Three Lines came as a revelation to those with a penchant for modernist literature. Stories of crime, death, politics and misfiring weapons are boiled down to little pods of news and literature. One of the allures of the project was that Fénéon' maintained a resolute anonymity. I clearly can't replicate that on this blog, but I'm going to try my hand at a few each week nonetheless. Here's the news from Fun City:

Joe Ades, seller of peelers, died at 75. Cause must be old age. Sources didn't say. Each time a real New Yorker dies, a Chipotle cries. Let's peel a carrot in his honor. 

Outrage! The poor souls who crashed into the Hudson on US Airways flight 1549 cry foul. The airline is stingy, they say. You almost die and all you get is first class for a year? Me: have you tried the salmon?

Nick Haramis, writer, New York, NY, attempted a late night snack at Corner Bistro in Greenwich Village. The waiter called him a faggot, threw him on the floor and sucker punched his boyfriend. 

Charles G. Hogg, groundhog, Staten Island, NY, bit Mayor Bloomberg's hand. No charges have been pressed, but the mayor is amenable should the DA choose to do so.